Serious gumpf.
Aug. 16th, 2006 07:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beccatoriaIt's been a while since I've posted here, because I feel I should wait until I really have something to *say*. Mostly, lately, I feel inarticulate.
This, for instance, makes my blood boil, but it's hard to communicate what it is I feel, or rather, what it is I want to do about it, because I don't know.
This is the guy who tried to have Kevie beaten up, who loafed off everyone he knew unmericlessly, who badmouthed me insistently and secretly and used me as a dumping ground for everything he felt was wrong with his social group; who two of my close friends continue to enable, and who redefined passive aggression.
I don't want to go anywhere, I worked damn hard to get here. I have good stuff going on here. But I worry (so does Kev) that once he's here, what we worked for (seeing our friends often) is going to slide away. Where Danny is concerned it's already sliding and he'd never been able to break with the shithead; we don't even know if he wants to.
So I was telling my Ma about how crap it was. She's a very loving and supportive parent, but her response to my anger at this situation was "Don't put him in a position of power over you," yeah, okay, but how? It's my friends' spare time that he'll steal away, leaving me and Kev with little to do on otherwise beach-day or role-play or trying-to-buy-a-smoothy-maker-ful Sundays. I can't control their behaviour, and I suspect that whenever you become close to, or rely on, another person, you give them power over you, somehow. It's not the shithead I'm giving power to, it's people I moved halfway across the country to be near, and dammit, that should be worth something.
Of course, my mother's response was, "Maybe you should get another hobby, you know, broaden your horizons. Can I buy you guitar lessons?" I'd judge her, but she used to be a cheerleader and she's already come to terms with the fact I'll never understand the joy of stiletto heels; plus the whole bribery thing worked great for me while I was a kid.
When we heard, our first reaction was, fuck it, this is too exhausting to go through again. Why wait around for the angst to start flying, for the guilt trips to start, to get left at loose ends and never know when. We've done that, and it sucked.
I really don't want to move away, but right now? I'm honestly thinking, if someone came to me and said, "Hey, move Here, Here's awesome!" I'd be, like, right on.
This, for instance, makes my blood boil, but it's hard to communicate what it is I feel, or rather, what it is I want to do about it, because I don't know.
This is the guy who tried to have Kevie beaten up, who loafed off everyone he knew unmericlessly, who badmouthed me insistently and secretly and used me as a dumping ground for everything he felt was wrong with his social group; who two of my close friends continue to enable, and who redefined passive aggression.
I don't want to go anywhere, I worked damn hard to get here. I have good stuff going on here. But I worry (so does Kev) that once he's here, what we worked for (seeing our friends often) is going to slide away. Where Danny is concerned it's already sliding and he'd never been able to break with the shithead; we don't even know if he wants to.
So I was telling my Ma about how crap it was. She's a very loving and supportive parent, but her response to my anger at this situation was "Don't put him in a position of power over you," yeah, okay, but how? It's my friends' spare time that he'll steal away, leaving me and Kev with little to do on otherwise beach-day or role-play or trying-to-buy-a-smoothy-maker-ful Sundays. I can't control their behaviour, and I suspect that whenever you become close to, or rely on, another person, you give them power over you, somehow. It's not the shithead I'm giving power to, it's people I moved halfway across the country to be near, and dammit, that should be worth something.
Of course, my mother's response was, "Maybe you should get another hobby, you know, broaden your horizons. Can I buy you guitar lessons?" I'd judge her, but she used to be a cheerleader and she's already come to terms with the fact I'll never understand the joy of stiletto heels; plus the whole bribery thing worked great for me while I was a kid.
When we heard, our first reaction was, fuck it, this is too exhausting to go through again. Why wait around for the angst to start flying, for the guilt trips to start, to get left at loose ends and never know when. We've done that, and it sucked.
I really don't want to move away, but right now? I'm honestly thinking, if someone came to me and said, "Hey, move Here, Here's awesome!" I'd be, like, right on.
