Privilege Meme?

[beccatoria]

Gakked from kiki_miserychic. It's kind of...self-indulgently introspective and I can see the potential for it turning into something wanky, but at the same time, I found it kind of interesting because it included a bunch of things that would not have occured to me signified privilege, though obviously do. So yeah -

Those that apply are bolded:

1. Father went to college
2. Father finished college
3. Mother went to college
4. Mother finished college
5. Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor
6. Were the same or higher social class than your high school teachers
7. Had more than 50 books in your childhood home
8. Had more than 500 books in your childhood home
9. Were read children's books by a parent
10. Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18
11. Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18
12. The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively. Not sure about this one; probably ought to be bolded but worth noting that there are some confusing and complex intra-UK accent issues going on there.
13. Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18
14. Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs - I think this is correct; I can't work out the exact ratio of student loan vs parental contribution, and it's worth noting that the amounts we're talking of are a fraction of what they'd be in the US, but I'm fairly sure this should be bolded regardless as I was in a privileged position as compared to many of my peers who had no parental support.
15. Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs
16. Went to a private high school
17. Went to summer camp
18. Had a private tutor before you turned 18
19. Family vacations involved staying at hotels Not true until I was over 18, but also, family vacations involved expensive international trips because of family issues and so cost-wise probably indicated as much financial privilege as if we'd gone to France and hotel'd it?
20. Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18
21. Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them
22. There was original art in your house when you were a child
23. Had a phone in your room before you turned 18 - Technically not true, but I did get a cell phone at 17?
24. You and your family lived in a single family house
25. Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home
26. You had your own room as a child
27. Participated in an SAT/ACT prep course
28. Had your own TV in your room in High School
29. Owned (an investment) in High School or College
30. Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16
32. Went on more than one cruise with your family
33. Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up
34. You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family
35. I am for the most part healthy and have no significant disability.
36. I have been born into a gender which I am comfortable with.
37. My sexuality is viewed positively in the media and by the majority of my society.
38. My sexuality is not visible to others just by looking at me.
39. My peer group is represented positively in the media and embraced positively by the majority of society - I really don't know how to answer this one. Um...sometimes? Depending on what group is being referred to? I am a member of more than one?
40. My ethnic group is represented positively in the media and rarely stigmatized or stereotyped.
41. The language spoken by teachers in school was the same language as that I spoke with my family at home. NOTE: due to the particulars of my culture, this isn't actually necessarily a sign of disprivilege.
42. My parents and teachers took it for granted that I would attend university.
43. Any money I earned at part-time jobs before I turned 18 was mine to keep or put towards my education.
44. I know what my family's genetic history is.
45. When people see me with my parents, they assume we're related.
46. I graduated from college or university with no debt.
47. During college or university, I could use income from part-time jobs to supplement my spending money (rather than for tuition, books, or living expenses).Um...like half true? I was in the privileged position of not having to work during my semesters, but I did work during the summer vacation and that money did ultimately go toward my living expenses.

Comments

[kiki-miserychic.livejournal.com]

I didn't think of it as turning wanky, so I hope that doesn't happen.

We have internet access, which signifies privilege too. There are many things that I didn't even consider, like "were read children's books by a parent." I didn't consider my parents' crappy parenting as a lack of privilege.

[coffeejunkii.livejournal.com]

i'm hopelessly privileged according to those criteria as well, but i have to say that this meme has a strong u.s. bias that it seems to be unaware of [or that the person who wrote it seems unaware of]. some of your answers indicate that, and i'd add for myself that yes, i did go to a private high school, but it was free because all high schools are free in germany unless they're boarding schools.

[bop-radar.livejournal.com]

The one I like is 'know the genetic background of my family'. That's one I know people don't always think about and as I date someone who does not know their genetic background it's kind of close to my heart. :)

[beccatoria.livejournal.com]

Well, I don't seriously think it will, but then again, I tend to be overly worried about...everything? ;)

I knew that my parents being good parents was an issue of privilege, but I hadn't quite thought of reading as a key factor in that. Which is silly really since I actually learned about the correlation of class/reading to kids/academic achievement issue back in high school sociology, but...it's weird the things we don't question and take for granted, you know? So yeah, that was definitely interesting.

[beccatoria.livejournal.com]

Oh yes, I definitely think the US bias in this is obvious. I mean, it would also be pretty much impossible to create a non-culturally biased version of this since, well, for starters it's aimed at people with internet access so we're basically discussing nuances of privilege to start with. But yeah, one could definitely argue the meme itself shows its privilege and US-centrism. ;)

For instance, I never went to summer camp but that's because no one in the UK really goes to summer camp because our summer holidays aren't as long and our summers are crappy and drizzly. If it was a big cultural Thing To Do, then I probably WOULD have been sent?

Similarly, your point about fees and education. Our high school system lines up more with the USA's but our university system, and I think yours, is quite different in terms of cost and government funding, etc.?

But again, that's an interesting thing to notice.

[beccatoria.livejournal.com]

Yes, absolutely. My husband is fortunate in that he knows his biological parents, but they're both still pretty young, and he's not in touch with them, and back past that, a mixture of cultural issues and adoption issues means that he really knows nothing. And it kind of does become an issue when doctors ask for medical histories, etc.

And he's not in anything near as extreme a situation as many, including, it sounds like, your significant other. *hugs*

[nightxade.livejournal.com]

OH I remember this one. Think we had some discussion on it too, when I posted it.

[bop-radar.livejournal.com]

Yeah, my partner doesn't know his birth parents or anything except where he was born. He could investigate more but his adoptive sister had a bad experience when she did that so he's wary to. I respect his decision on that. It does create anxieties though around health and if we ever want to have kids ourselves. It was nice to see it respected as an issue--I don't often find it is, do you?

[beccatoria.livejournal.com]

*facepalm* I apparently totally forgot that happened! But yes, it's definitly a discussion-inducing meme.

[beccatoria.livejournal.com]

Yeah it really was nice. As I said, fortunately, it's nowhere near such a large issue to us as it must be to you guys, but it's still something that occasionally arises.

I can see why your partner is reticent to go looking if his sister had negative experiences there. I think our culture often doesn't have as much respect for the idea of not looking for birth parents as it should. Not that it's an idea that gets trash talked or anything, just...the same way our culture is a bit obsessed with having kids and that there must be something wrong with you if you don't want them, there's this knee-jerk reaction of, "But of COURSE you want to find your "real" parents and have a hollywood style emotional reunion with them!"

And now I'm just randomly babbling. The point being, I definitely think it's a really invisible issue to a lot of people. And I get why - it doesn't affect that many people, but at the same time, yes, it was nice to see it mentioned as something that, well, people have to contend with.

[bop-radar.livejournal.com]

Thanks! It's nice to speak to someone that understands. I totally agree that there is a Hollywood fantasy built around finding your real birth parents. My partner feels strongly that his adoptive parents are his real parents. He has a stronger family connection to his adopted family (parents and sister) than I do to my 'normal' biological family. And I think his sister found it not a positive experience to find her parents, and my partner feels it's not something he would cope with well emotionally. He knows he was born somewhere with very low socioeconomic status, somewhere that has a rep for terrible child abuse cases and murders, and I can see why he would fear what he might find out. He doesn't believe anything he would gain would be worth the rest of the baggage that would come with it and I respect his decision. But not everyone understands that. It's hard for people to understand but I think family is what you make it and biology is not everything. It's very much something that is an individual decision and there's no one right answer for everyone.

[beccatoria.livejournal.com]

I can absolutely understand your partner's feelings on that. I'm extremely lucky in that my family are great and I love them very much, but...biology is not the important factor in forming a family. Love and trust should be. Biology just gives to a...privileged starting point in forming that bond, but people abuse that horribly.

As I mentioned both my husband doesn't really know much of anything past his parents because of various adoptive and cultural issues on both sides of his family, but as I also mentioned, he's not in touch with them because of, well, abuse issues in his childhood that left him with lasting mental health problems that he's still trying to work through. He hasn't made the decision never to speak to them again, but he has made the decision that emotionally, right now, he cannot be around them because he not safe with them.

This doesn't so much speak to the genetics issue, but certainly the hollywood "real" parents cliche in that it made me notice something really, well, shocking about our culture. Which is that victims of domestic abuse as adults, from partners, while I would never, ever want to belittle the extraordinarily complex emotional issues there, or the habit our culture has of "blaming the victim" in many situations - the hollywood cliche is still that of COURSE you should ditch that loser. You shouldn't put yourself in that situation. If anything, it skews uncomfortably toward blaming the victim for being in that situation in the first place and not being STRONG enough to leave, but...still, there's usually no suggestion that the victim try to work it out and take their partner back.

But with victims of child abuse, even though sympathy for the victim's situation is almost entirely boundless, which is obviously a good thing, there's STILL a much, much stronger feeling that you ought to "work it out". This fantasy that the abusive parent will realise their mistakes Oprah-style and hug said child and secretly they really didn't mean it. And...I get why in some ways - carer/child relationships are extremely strong for evolutionary reasons and...it's so WRONG to be in a position where you can't be safe with your parent that we subconsciously rebel against it.

But it's still...nice to speak to someone who understands that. It's surprising how many times people - even good, loving, understanding people who just want to help like my own parents - have expressed surprise, or even outright concern, at my husband's decision, and then awkwardness when they realise that yes, he did try to talk to his father about this once and...his father didn't want to hear it; there was no magical reconciliation because they're both adults now.

To drag it to BSG for a second, it's like Maelstrom where Kara kills herself. I interpret her visions with her mother as, well, fantasy. Because being in that situation is horrible so she shoe-horned in a reconciliation the only place it would fit - the last six weeks of her mom's life. I saw an unstable kid trying to make peace with death. And that reading...I actually really love it, it breaks my heart. Kara's so tragic and childlike and lost.

But I can't help but think we were supposed to read this experience as what would really have happened had she gone back. Some cathartic reconciliation not between a terrified child and her imaginary, better, non-abusive parent, but between the two real people. And that...made me a little uncomfortable? Because it doesn't really work that way most of the time.

So, um, the end result of all that rambling being, good on your partner for choosing his family and sticking to what feels right for him.

[bop-radar.livejournal.com]

emotionally, right now, he cannot be around them because he not safe with them.
I sympathise so much!

much, much stronger feeling that you ought to "work it out". This fantasy that the abusive parent will realise their mistakes Oprah-style and hug said child and secretly they really didn't mean it.
Oh, wow, yes, absolutely! And sorry. Living in a family where there have been generations of abuse, in one form or another, and where intergenerational trauma is passed down... it does NOT work like that. I've seen my father 'reconcile' with his mother, only to disown her publicly again. And I've tried to work out things with my own parents only to conclude that it really was more damaging to try to than to just walk away (less violently than my father but more like your partner, just not right to be around them right now).

Just the other night a friend who also comes from an abusive family asked 'do you think we'll get a deathbed apology?' and we both laughed. I am lucky to have her in my life to laugh with but very few other people would really understand. Because we won't. And yet that's the cliche that most people take as reality. So many people really dont understand that some people's families can stay messed up their entire lives, that it never gets better.

surprise, or even outright concern,
Heh, yeah. I get that a lot. It takes a lot of explaining that I don't necessarily want to do before people realise that I've actually had years of exploring all the options and coming up with the best one. It's not a naive kneejerk rebellion, just as my partner's decision is not childish or immature (which seems to be the attitude if they don't find it just outright baffling).

I can't help but think we were supposed to read this experience as what would really have happened had she gone back. Some cathartic reconciliation not between a terrified child and her imaginary, better, non-abusive parent, but between the two real people. And that...made me a little uncomfortable?
Absolutely!! I hated that. Or rather the implication of the way it was structured that, as you say, we were meant to believe it was real. For the reasons you describe above, I don't think Kara should reconcile with her actual mother. I think Kara needed to find peace and if she found some in that vision then I am happy for her, but I actually think what she needed more was freedom, freedom from the past, and I don't believe that is only found through going back to the parent that carried out the abuse. Because in reality they won't respond the way you want them to. I don't like the way it's sold as the victim reaching 'maturity'. It's not treated as maturity when a battered wife goes back to her husband. Yet it's mature of a child to forgive her parent? Sorry, no. The child should never have to forgive. And if they do, for their own peace of mind, it needed come in the actual physical presence of that parent (who is likely to poison or undermine the experience).

Yeah... I feel passionately about these things but not everyone understands. The story they showed on BSG is the one people take as 'real' because it's shown to us so often and it's more palatable than the alternative. But I do think it sends a bit of a dangerous and/or offensive message to abuse victims. They're not failures if they decide NOT to reconcile! (IMO that is often the stronger choice, as if the abuse was in any way emotional, reconciliation can lead to further manipulation.)

[kiki-miserychic.livejournal.com]

LOL, have you learned nothing? The internet can make anything wanky.