Bible Adventures: the NES game
Dec. 3rd, 2011 08:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beccatoriaOKAY SO. About a week ago, me and K found, purchased, and then sat down and played the weirdest computer game I have ever, ever, ever played. It's an unlicensed NES (yeah, the original NES from when we were all children, and before some of you were even that!) game called "Bible Adventures" that it seems was sold largely in Christian Bookstores.
Here's a link if you don't believe me: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bible_Adventures
Now, I get the appeal of making a game like that. I wanna make that clear. This isn't a game designed to make you hate and fear all that is different because God told you to. This isn't aimed at Fox News viewers. This isn't a game I want to mock for its intentional message. No, this is a game made by a company that went bust and decided perhaps they could appeal to parents who'd rather their kids play games inspired by the Bible rather than an Italian plumber, some vampires or the Mob. And perhaps that is the problem because what resulted is quite possibly the most unintentionally blasphemous piece of hilarious surreality known to man or NES.
I present below, recorded for posterity, my live-tweets as I played through it, cus I realise now, I'd hate to lose them to the depths of my twitter feed forever.
- ...kev is playing an unlicensed Nintendo NES game called "Bible Adventures". No shit, you can press "B" to throw baby Moses.
- this game is based around avoiding giant spiders and THROWING A BABY. Oh & tablets that either give an uplifting psalm or game tips.
- we think it's a ripoff of the code of Mario 2 where he threw vegetables...? IDEK. O.O
- AHAHAHAHA you can climb ladders by balancing baby Moses on your head.
- an angry seagull just stole baby Moses then deposited him on a cloud with a spider & a holy tablet on it.
- i'm not entirely sure but i believe i was attacked and made to drop baby moses by a peasant hurling CHEESE at me.
- the tablet with the holy word of god on it is a trap! you pick it up the floor disappears and you drown! i think they didn't mean to do that
- THE GAME HAS GLITCHED AND AN EVIL PALACE GUARD IS NOW BALANCED PRECARIOUSLY ON TOP OF BABY MOSES.
- i have no idea if this is deliberate or an accident based on lazy coding but you CAN pick up guards and...stack them. on top of baby moses.
- we're moving on to the noah's ark game now!
- omfg, the noah's ark game is based on noah running around picking up animals and CARRYING THEM IN A STACK ABOVE HIS HEAD.
- it goes: noah-->horse-->sheep--->pig--->cow right now. except the cow just escaped ONTO A TREE BRANCH cus it was up so high. WHAT EVEN.
- OH MY GOD HE CAN JUGGLE THEM. sort of. you can rotate the stack order WHICH LOOKS LIKE NOAH JUGGLING TWO HORSES AND A SHEEP.
- noah's hardcore. he's jumping up the side of the ark while carrying two horses but really there's less moment-to-moment hilarity than moses.
- STRIKE MY LAST! you can pick up animals more easily if you knock them unconscious by HURLING ROCKS AT THEM first. bludgeon those animals!
- NOAH'S DOING ARK STOCK TAKE.
- oooh, level two, we've got the return of the angry seagulls. also hurling a chunk of rock twice its size at a blue jay only knocks it out.
- TAKE THAT TOUCAN, NO ONE ESCAPES THE WRATH OF NOAH AND HIS MIGHTY CHUNK OF ROCK!
- ...i'm unsure why all the giant rocks are sat on branches halfway up trees. maybe the devil put them there?
- on Noah's grocery list? Bananas, coconuts, pears, hay, wheat, BULLS & COWS. i better get to see the flood at the end of this shit.
- apparently i need 2 cows (one male, one female, there was a checklist) for repopulation but 7 for food for the journey.
- oh, i also need grapes. i bet those are for the toucan, fussy git.
- okay i'm off into the caves looking for grapes
- well, there's a bail of hay and two messages from god here but no fucking grapes.
- the message from god was something about him providing food to those who FEAR HIM. apparently i'm not scared enough to be allowed grapes.
- AHA! God may only provide fruit to those who fear him, but the monkeys will throw fruit at any fucker who stands under them for long enough
- ...i'm stocking my ark with secondhand fruit from a monkey.
- ...this game has good coconuts and bad coconuts. GOOD COCONUTS AND BAD COCONUTS.
- monkeys throw good coconuts, i think GOD throws the bad ones.
- okay so it's the night level, but i accidentally threw my firefly-in-a-jar at a tiger (because jungle creatures and DUCKS come out at night)
- and now it's pitch black. like literally. it's a giant black screen and all i can see are animals running around, but NOT THE PLATFORMS.
- fortunately a jar full of fireflies does seem to be an effective anti-tiger weapon and knocked it unconscious. IF ONLY BABY MOSES DID THAT.
- ...the way to catch leopards is to tempt them into following you around with meat until they get tired and decide to take a nap.
- FLOOD ACHIEVED!
- yup, my sanity was totally worth it for a 30 second flood animation and a pixelated shot of an ark on mount ararat.
- alas, folks, david & goliath, while gloriously awful, has less charisma than the other two and is mostly just boring
- although it does feature tree-climbing beavers that look like fish-squirrels. so i suppose there's that. however, i think i'm done for now!
Seriously, folks. This actually exists. Like, for real.
o.O
Here's a link if you don't believe me: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bible_Adventures
Now, I get the appeal of making a game like that. I wanna make that clear. This isn't a game designed to make you hate and fear all that is different because God told you to. This isn't aimed at Fox News viewers. This isn't a game I want to mock for its intentional message. No, this is a game made by a company that went bust and decided perhaps they could appeal to parents who'd rather their kids play games inspired by the Bible rather than an Italian plumber, some vampires or the Mob. And perhaps that is the problem because what resulted is quite possibly the most unintentionally blasphemous piece of hilarious surreality known to man or NES.
I present below, recorded for posterity, my live-tweets as I played through it, cus I realise now, I'd hate to lose them to the depths of my twitter feed forever.
- ...kev is playing an unlicensed Nintendo NES game called "Bible Adventures". No shit, you can press "B" to throw baby Moses.
- this game is based around avoiding giant spiders and THROWING A BABY. Oh & tablets that either give an uplifting psalm or game tips.
- we think it's a ripoff of the code of Mario 2 where he threw vegetables...? IDEK. O.O
- AHAHAHAHA you can climb ladders by balancing baby Moses on your head.
- an angry seagull just stole baby Moses then deposited him on a cloud with a spider & a holy tablet on it.
- i'm not entirely sure but i believe i was attacked and made to drop baby moses by a peasant hurling CHEESE at me.
- the tablet with the holy word of god on it is a trap! you pick it up the floor disappears and you drown! i think they didn't mean to do that
- THE GAME HAS GLITCHED AND AN EVIL PALACE GUARD IS NOW BALANCED PRECARIOUSLY ON TOP OF BABY MOSES.
- i have no idea if this is deliberate or an accident based on lazy coding but you CAN pick up guards and...stack them. on top of baby moses.
- we're moving on to the noah's ark game now!
- omfg, the noah's ark game is based on noah running around picking up animals and CARRYING THEM IN A STACK ABOVE HIS HEAD.
- it goes: noah-->horse-->sheep--->pig--->cow right now. except the cow just escaped ONTO A TREE BRANCH cus it was up so high. WHAT EVEN.
- OH MY GOD HE CAN JUGGLE THEM. sort of. you can rotate the stack order WHICH LOOKS LIKE NOAH JUGGLING TWO HORSES AND A SHEEP.
- noah's hardcore. he's jumping up the side of the ark while carrying two horses but really there's less moment-to-moment hilarity than moses.
- STRIKE MY LAST! you can pick up animals more easily if you knock them unconscious by HURLING ROCKS AT THEM first. bludgeon those animals!
- NOAH'S DOING ARK STOCK TAKE.
- oooh, level two, we've got the return of the angry seagulls. also hurling a chunk of rock twice its size at a blue jay only knocks it out.
- TAKE THAT TOUCAN, NO ONE ESCAPES THE WRATH OF NOAH AND HIS MIGHTY CHUNK OF ROCK!
- ...i'm unsure why all the giant rocks are sat on branches halfway up trees. maybe the devil put them there?
- on Noah's grocery list? Bananas, coconuts, pears, hay, wheat, BULLS & COWS. i better get to see the flood at the end of this shit.
- apparently i need 2 cows (one male, one female, there was a checklist) for repopulation but 7 for food for the journey.
- oh, i also need grapes. i bet those are for the toucan, fussy git.
- okay i'm off into the caves looking for grapes
- well, there's a bail of hay and two messages from god here but no fucking grapes.
- the message from god was something about him providing food to those who FEAR HIM. apparently i'm not scared enough to be allowed grapes.
- AHA! God may only provide fruit to those who fear him, but the monkeys will throw fruit at any fucker who stands under them for long enough
- ...i'm stocking my ark with secondhand fruit from a monkey.
- ...this game has good coconuts and bad coconuts. GOOD COCONUTS AND BAD COCONUTS.
- monkeys throw good coconuts, i think GOD throws the bad ones.
- okay so it's the night level, but i accidentally threw my firefly-in-a-jar at a tiger (because jungle creatures and DUCKS come out at night)
- and now it's pitch black. like literally. it's a giant black screen and all i can see are animals running around, but NOT THE PLATFORMS.
- fortunately a jar full of fireflies does seem to be an effective anti-tiger weapon and knocked it unconscious. IF ONLY BABY MOSES DID THAT.
- ...the way to catch leopards is to tempt them into following you around with meat until they get tired and decide to take a nap.
- FLOOD ACHIEVED!
- yup, my sanity was totally worth it for a 30 second flood animation and a pixelated shot of an ark on mount ararat.
- alas, folks, david & goliath, while gloriously awful, has less charisma than the other two and is mostly just boring
- although it does feature tree-climbing beavers that look like fish-squirrels. so i suppose there's that. however, i think i'm done for now!
Seriously, folks. This actually exists. Like, for real.
o.O
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no subject
Date: 2011-12-03 08:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-04 11:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-03 08:50 pm (UTC)WHERE CAN I GET THIS GAME. I NEED THIS IN MY LIFE.
no subject
Date: 2011-12-04 11:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-04 05:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-03 09:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-04 11:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-03 09:37 pm (UTC)Regarding icon: I dreamt about that guy the other night! And I don't even really know him. Minds are weird. :-)
no subject
Date: 2011-12-04 11:21 am (UTC)Hardison's great - I approve of dreaming about him. Him and Parker are so sweet and I will never tire of hoping "age of the geek, baby!" is true. :p Mostly I love this icon for the expression - it's so perfect for the caption!
no subject
Date: 2011-12-04 04:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-04 11:25 am (UTC)It really is...truly artistically surreal. I wonder if the Simpsons' writers got their inspiration from it? I think it might be kind of infamous among NES gamers as this obscure, weird thing...
no subject
Date: 2011-12-04 05:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-04 09:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-05 09:50 pm (UTC):D
Date: 2012-02-27 10:49 pm (UTC)Hey, didn't Kev have plans for a Bible-based game at some point? Or am I getting some things mixed up here?
Re: :D
Date: 2012-02-28 08:05 pm (UTC)Which, now that we have THIS, is far less of a tragedy! XD
Glad it entertained you - I was almost literally rofling while we were playing!