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Where I've Been (Life Stuff)
Sep. 22nd, 2012 09:05 pmSo hey dudes - I only just realised that I've basically not posted here in a month. To be honest, the reason is that I've just been feeling really down lately. Part of it's a slightly uncharacteristic amount of angst related to my recent birthday; being 29 is, I suspect, more terrifying in some ways than being 30 because that's the start of a decade not the end of one. In other circumstances I suspect I wouldn't care as much but it happened right at the point where I was assessing my life and how, well how far away it is from where I want it to be anyhow. As many of you are aware, my life has been on a sort of involuntary hold for the last few years. I think that's coming to an end now, which is, or at least, should be, exciting. But change is frightening and comes with the possibility of failure. There's so much to achieve and I'm playing catch-up, and am simultaneously afraid that it's "too soon" and that it's "too late" because I've been lazy.
The whole thing is compounded by the fact I accepted a job that was...not ideal back in February basically because it's a bad economy and I needed work, but it's becoming an untenable, toxic environment and for the last three months, I've been working overtime, an extra two half days a week, so four days but I'm in there at least part of the time Monday through Friday. I'm not used to it, I'm kinda lazy, and by now I basically hate it. So that's another thing that is just totally demotivating me and leaving me feeling exhausted and demoralised at the end of each day.
I'm going to start looking for work in late November because that's when the next phase of Operation Fix Your Life will be completed (a trip that is likely to be emotionally draining but potentially rewarding for K; so until then I need steady money and locked-in vacation time), but that's an activity I find monumentally stressful, not to mention the fact this monkey factory is the sort of place that will neglectfully screw me over by never having time to write my reference/guilt-tripping me about leaving. Plus the ever-present anxiety about having to go back to work full-time, or, if I don't, social guilt about not doing so and continuing financial instability. I would LIKE to be in a position to move out of my parents house by the time I'm 30, you know? Jesus. It's just embarrassing.
So, anyway, yeah. I've been off having a midlife crisis. Or...third-life crisis? IDK. I'll be all right. I have a terrifying plan. I'll probably feel better when I've taken some solid steps towards implementing it.
I think maybe I'm partly just finally mourning the time I lost to the crap that's been going on the last three years and don't really know what to do with that or how to handle it. I actually feel...pretty angry about it. Not with anyone specifically, just...with time.
It's weird. My whole life people have told me I look younger than I am. I've never really thought I did, but it happens enough I guess it's true. Most of the time it's mildly amusing or frustrating depending on context, but it doesn't mean much to me. Since my birthday, though, for the first time, it just makes me feel...hollow and kind of sad. It just makes me remember how little I've done with those phantom years in between.
I don't want to feel like I've wasted my life.
So, you know, I should probably go and finish that vid I'm working on. ;)
The whole thing is compounded by the fact I accepted a job that was...not ideal back in February basically because it's a bad economy and I needed work, but it's becoming an untenable, toxic environment and for the last three months, I've been working overtime, an extra two half days a week, so four days but I'm in there at least part of the time Monday through Friday. I'm not used to it, I'm kinda lazy, and by now I basically hate it. So that's another thing that is just totally demotivating me and leaving me feeling exhausted and demoralised at the end of each day.
I'm going to start looking for work in late November because that's when the next phase of Operation Fix Your Life will be completed (a trip that is likely to be emotionally draining but potentially rewarding for K; so until then I need steady money and locked-in vacation time), but that's an activity I find monumentally stressful, not to mention the fact this monkey factory is the sort of place that will neglectfully screw me over by never having time to write my reference/guilt-tripping me about leaving. Plus the ever-present anxiety about having to go back to work full-time, or, if I don't, social guilt about not doing so and continuing financial instability. I would LIKE to be in a position to move out of my parents house by the time I'm 30, you know? Jesus. It's just embarrassing.
So, anyway, yeah. I've been off having a midlife crisis. Or...third-life crisis? IDK. I'll be all right. I have a terrifying plan. I'll probably feel better when I've taken some solid steps towards implementing it.
I think maybe I'm partly just finally mourning the time I lost to the crap that's been going on the last three years and don't really know what to do with that or how to handle it. I actually feel...pretty angry about it. Not with anyone specifically, just...with time.
It's weird. My whole life people have told me I look younger than I am. I've never really thought I did, but it happens enough I guess it's true. Most of the time it's mildly amusing or frustrating depending on context, but it doesn't mean much to me. Since my birthday, though, for the first time, it just makes me feel...hollow and kind of sad. It just makes me remember how little I've done with those phantom years in between.
I don't want to feel like I've wasted my life.
So, you know, I should probably go and finish that vid I'm working on. ;)
