Where I've Been (Life Stuff)

[beccatoria]

So hey dudes - I only just realised that I've basically not posted here in a month. To be honest, the reason is that I've just been feeling really down lately. Part of it's a slightly uncharacteristic amount of angst related to my recent birthday; being 29 is, I suspect, more terrifying in some ways than being 30 because that's the start of a decade not the end of one. In other circumstances I suspect I wouldn't care as much but it happened right at the point where I was assessing my life and how, well how far away it is from where I want it to be anyhow. As many of you are aware, my life has been on a sort of involuntary hold for the last few years. I think that's coming to an end now, which is, or at least, should be, exciting. But change is frightening and comes with the possibility of failure. There's so much to achieve and I'm playing catch-up, and am simultaneously afraid that it's "too soon" and that it's "too late" because I've been lazy.

The whole thing is compounded by the fact I accepted a job that was...not ideal back in February basically because it's a bad economy and I needed work, but it's becoming an untenable, toxic environment and for the last three months, I've been working overtime, an extra two half days a week, so four days but I'm in there at least part of the time Monday through Friday. I'm not used to it, I'm kinda lazy, and by now I basically hate it. So that's another thing that is just totally demotivating me and leaving me feeling exhausted and demoralised at the end of each day.

I'm going to start looking for work in late November because that's when the next phase of Operation Fix Your Life will be completed (a trip that is likely to be emotionally draining but potentially rewarding for K; so until then I need steady money and locked-in vacation time), but that's an activity I find monumentally stressful, not to mention the fact this monkey factory is the sort of place that will neglectfully screw me over by never having time to write my reference/guilt-tripping me about leaving. Plus the ever-present anxiety about having to go back to work full-time, or, if I don't, social guilt about not doing so and continuing financial instability. I would LIKE to be in a position to move out of my parents house by the time I'm 30, you know? Jesus. It's just embarrassing.

So, anyway, yeah. I've been off having a midlife crisis. Or...third-life crisis? IDK. I'll be all right. I have a terrifying plan. I'll probably feel better when I've taken some solid steps towards implementing it.

I think maybe I'm partly just finally mourning the time I lost to the crap that's been going on the last three years and don't really know what to do with that or how to handle it. I actually feel...pretty angry about it. Not with anyone specifically, just...with time.

It's weird. My whole life people have told me I look younger than I am. I've never really thought I did, but it happens enough I guess it's true. Most of the time it's mildly amusing or frustrating depending on context, but it doesn't mean much to me. Since my birthday, though, for the first time, it just makes me feel...hollow and kind of sad. It just makes me remember how little I've done with those phantom years in between.

I don't want to feel like I've wasted my life.

So, you know, I should probably go and finish that vid I'm working on. ;)

Comments

[gonzo21.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

All I can suggest is focus on the positives, of which there are a great many. And try not to stress about the regrets of time passed.

Easier said than done of course.

[beccatoria.livejournal.com]

Thanks, that's what I'm trying to do - to be honest stuff feels pretty crushing right now but I know that given time this will all be in the past. I don't even feel that...dramatic about it, I guess. Just sort of defeated and tired and a bit sad. But that's better than being at the edge of breaking down or something. I just...figured blogs were for updating.

Anyway, thanks - *big hugs*

[gonzo21.livejournal.com]

Did you ever get any help and support from the doctors and therapists for ~you~?

[chaila.livejournal.com]

I WANT TO COME AND TALK TO YOU, but my internet is too spotty. I can post comments if I wait until the connection is on the upswing, and then two minutes later I'm disconnected again. FAIL. Anyway, as always you have pretty much said anything useful I would have to say--the time is gone, and it's understandable that you're angry/sad about it, and you probably will feel better once you've taken some steps towards changing your situation. But seriously, if you feel like you and K are coming out on the other side of this huge thing, then try to appreciate that too? Because that is a huge deal, and while I know it's a thing in progress, always, just being where you both are now is a good thing, and an accomplishment for you both.

Re: job stuff, having been in a situation with only a TINY THREAD of similarity, in at least that I was really unhappy at my job and wanting a new one and feeling absolutely drained every time I left work, but not yet in a position to start looking, I'll say that I found that particular time to be the WORST; when you know you want to go, and have a semi-plan for leaving, but can't actually DO anything yet. It's just extra frustrating to be in that space. Which is kind of a depressing comment, but the point is that it will get better, this is just a bad time in the process. This time you have to remain frozen too will pass, and then it will be November and you can start taking steps. In the meantime, HUGS.

[beccatoria.livejournal.com]

BOO SPOTTY INTERNET. But the thought is what counts. Like taking four days to muster the energy to respond to my blog comments cus people are being nice and then suddenly I don't know what to say. ♥

Thanks for the encouragement. I do think what I need to do is just work on feeling accomplished at where we HAVE got to rather than like it's just pressure to keep going or what if it all goes wrong now. Bah.

It's actually helpful to know that you felt similarly about the job situation, though. Because I find jobhunting stressful as hell anyway, I was worried it would just get worse but I think you're right, I think it'll be better when I'm actually taking action. Like I'll have a whole different set of "shit I'm letting everyone down by leaving, what if they hate me," stresses, but hopefully they will feel less...soulcrushing.

Anyway. In the meantime. HUGS. Thanks. <3

[swatkat24.livejournal.com]

Feel better soon, augh. <333

[beccatoria.livejournal.com]

Thanks, I hope and think I will!

[goodbyebird]

Ack I know being stuck in a bad work situation can be really draining, but it seems you at least have a plan in place? And a timeline. Which is good. Currently trying to figure that out myself, since I'm on the same train - turning 29 in a couple of months, haven't done much of anything with my life - but I'm glad to see you have a plan, and hope this sucky period flies past you. *hugs*

[beccatoria.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Sorry it took me a while to get it together to respond - I really appreciated receiving this comment. Fuck world expectations, huh? I think I'm coming to terms with not doing anything grand in the scheme of my life, but I really am hoping this timeline helps me achieve like...basic financial stability and a place to live and the opportunity to have a small amount of savings in case of catastrophes, you know? Without forcing me to stop spending all my disposable cash on comic books and star wars toys. :/

Anyway, yeah, just gotta...keep on til it gets better is all. JUST KEEP SWIMMING.

[pellucid.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I think it's perfectly fine, and indeed normal, have quarter-life or third-life crises. In fact, I suspect this is becoming more the norm: we launch out great guns in our early 20s, then sort of flounder around for a while at some point after that (late 20s, early 30s, etc.), then get "on track," whatever that means, then probably meander around again at various other points in our lives. As opposed to the former pattern of university-->career-->(economic stability, house, marriage, kids, whatever else)-->retirement, things are...more complicated now. Multiple careers, doing things all out of order, skipping steps, etc. Which is fine, but we're all still kind of trained to expect the straightforward path, which inevitably leads to the "OMG, I'm 30, and what am I doing with my life????" moment. It sucks, absolutely, but you're not alone! *more hugs*

Another thing that I've really been trying to practice and cultivate, given that I, too, sort of feel like I've taken a sojourn to rural Saskatchewan that sometimes feels like quicksand and other times feels like a colossal waste of time, is a focus on the present. I mean, of course I'm making plans and exit strategies, but I'm also trying to practice focusing on being present in my everyday life. The good parts, the bad parts, the parts I'll be SO happy to be done with--all of it is a little better when I try to be more aware, attuned, and present. I know it sounds corny, but I've started doing yoga and meditation, which has helped more than I could have expected with all this.

[beccatoria.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Thanks. Sorry it took me a while to get a reply together, but I really appreciated getting the comment.

I think you're right, part of it is the shifting life markers we have as the world changes and lifestyles change. Part of it is that I genuinely got thrown off whatever wacky track I had going for a while there, but that's also sort of the point, isn't it? Stuff rarely goes as expected.

It's frustrating because objectively I can see it, still, being stuck in the middle, and compounding it with all sorts of self-questioning about whether I'm doing enough, or being too lazy, ugh...yeah.

I like your idea of trying to be more present while at the same time making plans and thinking things through. I don't think I'll ever have the patience for meditation, but I've been feeling so exhausted with all aspects of my life lately and...there must be places where that's not actually the case, I'm just projecting. Just need to find them. <3