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beccatoriaI mean, not that I need a reason to love her cus she's awesome and all, but it's interesting to see how she fits in with other things I love. Cus turns out (not entirely unexpectedly) I got kinks for Loving the Shit out of the Crappy Universe and also the Terror of Freedom.
So there's this awesome book called Traitor. One of the great cruelties of the crappy universe that I wish everyone would love the shit out of is that this is a Star Wars novel set in the middle of a ridiculously long series of 19 other novels of highly variable quality set like twenty-five years after Return of the Jedi. So like, clearly nearly none of y'all will have read it.
That's okay. You don't need to. The protagonist isn't actually that much like Caprica. His story isn't the same as hers. He spends most of the novel getting to a place where loving the shitty universe and being far too free are issues for him, while Caprica's been struggling with those things since the first day we, and an unfortunate infant, met her.
Even then, they're hardly similar. But the themes of the novel are awesome. And I'm gonna quote some stuff here because it says it far better than I could. And these ideas are absolutely relevant to why I love her like I love pie.
"When you always know what is right, where is freedom? No one chooses the wrong, Jacen Solo. Uncertainty sets you free."
and,
"You're not making any sense! How old are you? Seventeen? Eighteen? You don't even really know who you are!"
"I don't have to know. All I have to do is decide," Jacen answered serenely. "Choose, and act."
"I am not leaving you here!"
"That's up to you."
and,
Jacen can answer only with regret and sadness.
Yes. I betrayed you. I taught you to trust, and I taught you what it means to trust a traitor. He cannot teach it forgiveness. He has not learned that lesson yet himself: there is too much he will never forgive.
/snip/
Jacen had learned that one can meet the Universe and all its irrational pain--which means meeting oneself--with fear, or with hatred, or with despair. Or one can choose to meet it with love. Jacen had chosen.
But still, he was astonished to discover that the Universe could love him back.
So like, it's that last part that kills me. And it's that last line that Caprica's never gotten, and that I want for her desperately in some form, in the finale. Because if she gets it, then her character arc works for me, on a show-wide level, spectacularly. And if she doesn't, I wonder...what was the point of it all?
Traitor is one of my favourite books. Not only because it's an entire novel devoted to philosophy, torture and deconstructing the entirety of Jedi dogma, but because of the quotes above. Because it's about how freedom isn't safe and requires that you be uncertain. Because it's about how in the face of that uncertainty you can act fearful and hesitate, or you can make choices even if the consequences hurt you. Because it's about how eventually the consequences will hurt you, about how things aren't fair, about how in the face of all that uncertainty, and all the bravery it demands of you, you still, ultimately have a choice about how to respond. With fear, or with despair, or with hatred, or with love.
And that loving isn't about not hurting, or not being angry, or not fighting for something better. It's not about being serene or expecting because you love someone it'll make everything okay even in the face of terrible, terrible things. Love isn't exclusive of any of these things. Love is just the best we have in the face of a senseless existence. I might be angry with you, but I can still love you, too.
And that, guys, is Caprica all over. Not consciously. She's not an overthinker like Jacen Solo. But they took away her certainty, and that made her free. And she never stopped choosing, never started apologising for who she was even if she felt guilty for what she did, and most of all, no matter how it kept hurting her, she never stopped loving the shit out of this crummy, messed up universe.
All I want is for the universe to love her back.
So there's this awesome book called Traitor. One of the great cruelties of the crappy universe that I wish everyone would love the shit out of is that this is a Star Wars novel set in the middle of a ridiculously long series of 19 other novels of highly variable quality set like twenty-five years after Return of the Jedi. So like, clearly nearly none of y'all will have read it.
That's okay. You don't need to. The protagonist isn't actually that much like Caprica. His story isn't the same as hers. He spends most of the novel getting to a place where loving the shitty universe and being far too free are issues for him, while Caprica's been struggling with those things since the first day we, and an unfortunate infant, met her.
Even then, they're hardly similar. But the themes of the novel are awesome. And I'm gonna quote some stuff here because it says it far better than I could. And these ideas are absolutely relevant to why I love her like I love pie.
"When you always know what is right, where is freedom? No one chooses the wrong, Jacen Solo. Uncertainty sets you free."
and,
"You're not making any sense! How old are you? Seventeen? Eighteen? You don't even really know who you are!"
"I don't have to know. All I have to do is decide," Jacen answered serenely. "Choose, and act."
"I am not leaving you here!"
"That's up to you."
and,
Jacen can answer only with regret and sadness.
Yes. I betrayed you. I taught you to trust, and I taught you what it means to trust a traitor. He cannot teach it forgiveness. He has not learned that lesson yet himself: there is too much he will never forgive.
/snip/
Jacen had learned that one can meet the Universe and all its irrational pain--which means meeting oneself--with fear, or with hatred, or with despair. Or one can choose to meet it with love. Jacen had chosen.
But still, he was astonished to discover that the Universe could love him back.
So like, it's that last part that kills me. And it's that last line that Caprica's never gotten, and that I want for her desperately in some form, in the finale. Because if she gets it, then her character arc works for me, on a show-wide level, spectacularly. And if she doesn't, I wonder...what was the point of it all?
Traitor is one of my favourite books. Not only because it's an entire novel devoted to philosophy, torture and deconstructing the entirety of Jedi dogma, but because of the quotes above. Because it's about how freedom isn't safe and requires that you be uncertain. Because it's about how in the face of that uncertainty you can act fearful and hesitate, or you can make choices even if the consequences hurt you. Because it's about how eventually the consequences will hurt you, about how things aren't fair, about how in the face of all that uncertainty, and all the bravery it demands of you, you still, ultimately have a choice about how to respond. With fear, or with despair, or with hatred, or with love.
And that loving isn't about not hurting, or not being angry, or not fighting for something better. It's not about being serene or expecting because you love someone it'll make everything okay even in the face of terrible, terrible things. Love isn't exclusive of any of these things. Love is just the best we have in the face of a senseless existence. I might be angry with you, but I can still love you, too.
And that, guys, is Caprica all over. Not consciously. She's not an overthinker like Jacen Solo. But they took away her certainty, and that made her free. And she never stopped choosing, never started apologising for who she was even if she felt guilty for what she did, and most of all, no matter how it kept hurting her, she never stopped loving the shit out of this crummy, messed up universe.
All I want is for the universe to love her back.
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no subject
Date: 2009-03-12 04:35 am (UTC)But they took away her certainty, and that made her free.
Yes. This has totally been my touchstone for Caprica-Six since "Downloaded". What makes her so fragile and sad and yet gloriously awesome is that she had everything figured out so well once -- she would ~kill babies~ and cut out her own heart with that certainty, not because she wanted to but because it was the Right thing. And when she lost that, it was crazy-making and painful and made her all alone in the world. But now the world was so much bigger, and she could do *anything* in it.
And yeah, she keeps choosing over and over to love. And I'd say that waaaay too much of my enjoyment of the finale will be based on what that ends up getting her.
Edited to add: You NEED TO SEE THIS. I want a little clay Caprica-Six! I want to hug her!
no subject
Date: 2009-03-12 06:12 pm (UTC)(AND OMFG CLAY CAPRICA <3 <3 <3!!!)
And yeah, you're totally right. And it's completely why I fell for her too in that episode. I mean, I did get it - it was the loss of certainty. I always thought, the difference between Caprica and Head Six was that Head Six had that confidence and certainty magnified, while Caprica lost it entirely.
And also I loved how she had this insanely huge capacity for love, but somehow I never connected them together in this crazy cocktail of awesome that like... I know this sounds stupidly obvious but they're the same part of her. Like she becomes terrifyingly free, so what does she fall back on? How much she loves.
And then, like you say, she takes that love and her freedom and her huge, terrifying world, and actually does things in it. She sees she can do anything and like, actually does anything. I mean really. That's amazing. How many people who have that epiphany actually follow through?
Also agreed on the finale. They've already kind of trashed a lot of Laura for me which is leading to my unhealthy and probably doomed attachment to Caprica. I honestly don't need much. But I do need for the end to show her...still loving, with a purpose, and loved. It doesn't have to be a long scene. But I need something; some textual head nod that, it's okay, Becka. Caprica's gonna be all right. Caprica's gonna be awesome.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-12 09:13 pm (UTC)Yes, so true. I think there's some of that in the Baltar/HeadBaltar split too, but not exactly the same way.
Edit: Word to your last paragraph. *clings*