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beccatoriaI mean, not that I need a reason to love her cus she's awesome and all, but it's interesting to see how she fits in with other things I love. Cus turns out (not entirely unexpectedly) I got kinks for Loving the Shit out of the Crappy Universe and also the Terror of Freedom.
So there's this awesome book called Traitor. One of the great cruelties of the crappy universe that I wish everyone would love the shit out of is that this is a Star Wars novel set in the middle of a ridiculously long series of 19 other novels of highly variable quality set like twenty-five years after Return of the Jedi. So like, clearly nearly none of y'all will have read it.
That's okay. You don't need to. The protagonist isn't actually that much like Caprica. His story isn't the same as hers. He spends most of the novel getting to a place where loving the shitty universe and being far too free are issues for him, while Caprica's been struggling with those things since the first day we, and an unfortunate infant, met her.
Even then, they're hardly similar. But the themes of the novel are awesome. And I'm gonna quote some stuff here because it says it far better than I could. And these ideas are absolutely relevant to why I love her like I love pie.
"When you always know what is right, where is freedom? No one chooses the wrong, Jacen Solo. Uncertainty sets you free."
and,
"You're not making any sense! How old are you? Seventeen? Eighteen? You don't even really know who you are!"
"I don't have to know. All I have to do is decide," Jacen answered serenely. "Choose, and act."
"I am not leaving you here!"
"That's up to you."
and,
Jacen can answer only with regret and sadness.
Yes. I betrayed you. I taught you to trust, and I taught you what it means to trust a traitor. He cannot teach it forgiveness. He has not learned that lesson yet himself: there is too much he will never forgive.
/snip/
Jacen had learned that one can meet the Universe and all its irrational pain--which means meeting oneself--with fear, or with hatred, or with despair. Or one can choose to meet it with love. Jacen had chosen.
But still, he was astonished to discover that the Universe could love him back.
So like, it's that last part that kills me. And it's that last line that Caprica's never gotten, and that I want for her desperately in some form, in the finale. Because if she gets it, then her character arc works for me, on a show-wide level, spectacularly. And if she doesn't, I wonder...what was the point of it all?
Traitor is one of my favourite books. Not only because it's an entire novel devoted to philosophy, torture and deconstructing the entirety of Jedi dogma, but because of the quotes above. Because it's about how freedom isn't safe and requires that you be uncertain. Because it's about how in the face of that uncertainty you can act fearful and hesitate, or you can make choices even if the consequences hurt you. Because it's about how eventually the consequences will hurt you, about how things aren't fair, about how in the face of all that uncertainty, and all the bravery it demands of you, you still, ultimately have a choice about how to respond. With fear, or with despair, or with hatred, or with love.
And that loving isn't about not hurting, or not being angry, or not fighting for something better. It's not about being serene or expecting because you love someone it'll make everything okay even in the face of terrible, terrible things. Love isn't exclusive of any of these things. Love is just the best we have in the face of a senseless existence. I might be angry with you, but I can still love you, too.
And that, guys, is Caprica all over. Not consciously. She's not an overthinker like Jacen Solo. But they took away her certainty, and that made her free. And she never stopped choosing, never started apologising for who she was even if she felt guilty for what she did, and most of all, no matter how it kept hurting her, she never stopped loving the shit out of this crummy, messed up universe.
All I want is for the universe to love her back.
So there's this awesome book called Traitor. One of the great cruelties of the crappy universe that I wish everyone would love the shit out of is that this is a Star Wars novel set in the middle of a ridiculously long series of 19 other novels of highly variable quality set like twenty-five years after Return of the Jedi. So like, clearly nearly none of y'all will have read it.
That's okay. You don't need to. The protagonist isn't actually that much like Caprica. His story isn't the same as hers. He spends most of the novel getting to a place where loving the shitty universe and being far too free are issues for him, while Caprica's been struggling with those things since the first day we, and an unfortunate infant, met her.
Even then, they're hardly similar. But the themes of the novel are awesome. And I'm gonna quote some stuff here because it says it far better than I could. And these ideas are absolutely relevant to why I love her like I love pie.
"When you always know what is right, where is freedom? No one chooses the wrong, Jacen Solo. Uncertainty sets you free."
and,
"You're not making any sense! How old are you? Seventeen? Eighteen? You don't even really know who you are!"
"I don't have to know. All I have to do is decide," Jacen answered serenely. "Choose, and act."
"I am not leaving you here!"
"That's up to you."
and,
Jacen can answer only with regret and sadness.
Yes. I betrayed you. I taught you to trust, and I taught you what it means to trust a traitor. He cannot teach it forgiveness. He has not learned that lesson yet himself: there is too much he will never forgive.
/snip/
Jacen had learned that one can meet the Universe and all its irrational pain--which means meeting oneself--with fear, or with hatred, or with despair. Or one can choose to meet it with love. Jacen had chosen.
But still, he was astonished to discover that the Universe could love him back.
So like, it's that last part that kills me. And it's that last line that Caprica's never gotten, and that I want for her desperately in some form, in the finale. Because if she gets it, then her character arc works for me, on a show-wide level, spectacularly. And if she doesn't, I wonder...what was the point of it all?
Traitor is one of my favourite books. Not only because it's an entire novel devoted to philosophy, torture and deconstructing the entirety of Jedi dogma, but because of the quotes above. Because it's about how freedom isn't safe and requires that you be uncertain. Because it's about how in the face of that uncertainty you can act fearful and hesitate, or you can make choices even if the consequences hurt you. Because it's about how eventually the consequences will hurt you, about how things aren't fair, about how in the face of all that uncertainty, and all the bravery it demands of you, you still, ultimately have a choice about how to respond. With fear, or with despair, or with hatred, or with love.
And that loving isn't about not hurting, or not being angry, or not fighting for something better. It's not about being serene or expecting because you love someone it'll make everything okay even in the face of terrible, terrible things. Love isn't exclusive of any of these things. Love is just the best we have in the face of a senseless existence. I might be angry with you, but I can still love you, too.
And that, guys, is Caprica all over. Not consciously. She's not an overthinker like Jacen Solo. But they took away her certainty, and that made her free. And she never stopped choosing, never started apologising for who she was even if she felt guilty for what she did, and most of all, no matter how it kept hurting her, she never stopped loving the shit out of this crummy, messed up universe.
All I want is for the universe to love her back.
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no subject
Date: 2009-03-12 06:26 pm (UTC)And while it wasn't perhaps an accident, I also think that there was an element of...not surprise but she hadn't done anything like that before and just...processing? Like, wow. This is what pain feels like, you know? I think one of the reasons I love that scene so much is the impossibly complicated look on Helfer's face as she walks away. Where you have no idea of her motivations, but you see she has them and they're more complicated than MWAHAHAHAHAHAA I KILLED A BABY!
Regarding Liam, all I can hope is that she doesn't think it was karma because...I love her and... Dammit, I'M still not over the show killing Liam, I don't want her blaming herself for it. BREAK THE FOURTH WALL, CAPRICA. THERE IS A PERFECTLY GOOD PERSON TO BLAME. HIS NAME IS RONALD.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-12 09:34 pm (UTC)*giggle*
And I took it the same way as you. It's not really like *shock* that it happened and she didn't mean to, but there is a little surprise and definitely sadness there. I was left wondering why she did it because there's no direct explanation, but it was clear she *had* a reason and feelings about it.
I tend to go with the mercy-killing thing because Helfer's said it. But I did once write a fic around this more complex idea that... like, a part of her needed to face what was about to happen and her role in it, and deal with that. (My other personal fanon was that she would've done the same to Baltar, but in that immediate life-altering moment chose not to.)
no subject
Date: 2009-03-12 10:15 pm (UTC)It comes close to white-washing it. And while that's positive in that that moment created a lot of the ZOMG CYLONS ARE IRREDEEMABLE stuff that floated around during season one, my reading of the show is, well, post-cylon-apologist?
I totally don't see why both things can't be true. I think your way of putting it is excellent - about facing her role in what's about to happen. Even if a part of that is simple curiousity about her role in what's to happen. And the fact it doesn't matter because everyone will be dead in a few hours. So really, it was a mercy-killing anyway.
Or something.
I did always wonder about her saving Baltar. It's not like it exactly feels unplanned. I mean, she went there to confess. But surely if she'd really wanted to save his life, she would have had a better plan than, "Gaius, get down." So yeah. I like the idea that it was a momentary decision, to save him if she could.
Plus it's like...totally the iconic moment of the entire series, really.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-12 11:20 pm (UTC)And yes, she ought to go after Ron, but in the mean time, I'd really like to see her go after Ellen for killing Liam and I wish Tigh would see the same point and stop hanging out with her and go give Caprica a cuddle instead.