*is stupid*

[beccatoria]

Ugh. Just got myself banned from my favourite forum for really stupid reasons that are my fault.

Went to post something in the spoiler thread, realised it should be in its own thread, meticulously removed all spoiler references except one really big one that was casually thrown in there, got banned for god knows how long. NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO TO ENTERTAIN MYSELF AT MY SHITHOLE OF A WORKPLACE?

Oh god, I'm stressed about work. Next week is going to be HELLISH. HELLISH I TELL YOU. And pathetic as it sounds that fucking forum was my comfort blanket in the long periods of enforce boredom-nothingness between the periods of extreme stress.

I think I mostly care because I feel so fucking stupid and now people will think badly of me... And I can't apologise because I'm banned. Fuck.

Which has totally removed my desire to actually go and read and respond to the backlog of journals on my flist which I was going to do this afternoon. Sorry guys, I'm lame.

And really, really, REALLY stressed about my SHITHOLE JOB. God I'm scared of next week. So scared I wanna cry. My boss is coming back to a massive mess after three weeks away and we're going to have to start doing all sorts of new shit with no fucking training and we're going to be blamed when we get it wrong. I just. Yes. Tears, I think. Fucking tears.

/end emo entry.

ETA: Thanks guys - you all rock. I'm feeling that I'm on much more of an even keel now, and that I will survive tomorrow at work even if I'm still scared of it. I considered locking off this entry, but I think I'll leave it stand. It'll be a good way to remind me next time I'm feeling like total shit that I won't [i]always[/i] feel that way; in fact, I may not even feel that way for very long, even if I can't conceptualise that fact at the time.

Comments

[gonzo21.livejournal.com]

I assume you're able to send a message to the moderator to say 'oops oh god sorry' or something along those lines?

(We all make mistakes sometimes. Try not to beat yourself up too much.)

*hugs*

Yeah, I should probably just gone with the hugs in the first place.

*hugs again*

[beccatoria.livejournal.com]

Nah, it's all nice to get, hugs and everything. :)

I did send the mod something saying sorry but it won't mitigate the "sentence" because they have this massive no-questions-asked policy for this book on account of it being such a huge spoiler (that everyone guessed months in advance). So...yeah. Mostly I'm annoyed that I can't let people know why I'm not replying to the thread I started or replying to the few personal messages I have outstanding.

But yeah, I should be grateful my problems aren't larger, really. Still, emo it is.

Uh, *hugs*

Hmm, yeah, best to stick with that.

*hugs again*

[gonzo21.livejournal.com]

Ach, being upset about something is being upset about something. It often doesn't matter what it is, it's just that you're upset about it that counts.

*hugs more*

This one will feel less bad tomorrow though I reckon. So just hang in there.

... is it a bad thing I quite want to know what the spoiler was? :)

[beccatoria.livejournal.com]

Thanks for saying so :)

I'm sure it will feel better tomorrow; it usually does, or at least, the banning will feel better and the working will feel worse, but there'll be a day after tomorrow too. So.

Not it's not a bad thing you wanna know but it's not that sensational, especially if you have no interest in the star wars extended universe. And since it's my LJ!!! I'll tell ya (plus I'm like 99% sure I'm the only Star Wars EU fan on my flist) - it's a character death. Luke's squeeze. Which kinda sucks cos I liked her.

[gonzo21.livejournal.com]

Oh gosh, I remember when they killed Chewie.

(They did kill Chewie, yeah?)

[beccatoria.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, and that caused a real shit storm. I was never sure why... I mean, the guy had been reduced to a walking pet-carpet with Han occasionally saying, "You said it, Chewie!" And then...ignoring him again...

[asta77.livejournal.com]

THEY KILLED CHEWIE?!?!

[beccatoria.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOD I SPOILED YOU! And yes. In some ways I think it was a service to his character the way they were underutilising him and turning him into Han's big dumb pet-friend.

His death at least provided the motivation for Han to go on a massive rampage of drunkenness...

I'd totally be up for Chewie-centred books set waaaay before he ever met Han, though. That'd be sweet. Ages ago they one of the computer games they proposed making (which never got past proposal stage) was, I think, about a Wookie bounty hunter/smuggler. And I had a wild hope it would be all about Chewie. But no. *sigh*

[asta77.livejournal.com]

Next thing you're going to tell me that C3P0 and R2D2 are not gay. ;p (I actually had that conversation with people on Friday night along with Han/Luke and some other stuff we won't get into. The internets have ruined my childhood!)

[gonzo21.livejournal.com]

Oh the internet totally ruins peoples childhoods. I remember when nightxade posted some of her old childhood toys, little stubby doll people type things, and, it really wasn't ~my~ fault they looked a bit like nazi buttplugs.

*brief pause while Simon wonders if he can say this to a total stranger*

*hits post anyway*

[asta77.livejournal.com]

Hee! Well, with other total strangers it might not be a good idea, but my mind has been in the gutter for several years now.

After I planted the C3PO/R2 seed which, surprisingly, had never even occurred to my friend, she made the comment C3PO might be gay, but he wouldn't become involved with R2. To which I asked who he would get involved with, Chewie? And then I recalled he spent much of 'Empire' strapped to Chewie's back.

Yes, I'm going to the special hell where I will be forced to watch the prequels endlessly.

[gonzo21.livejournal.com]

... not only was he strapped to chewies back, but they were both also technically naked.

Naked barebacking...

Was the harness that Chewie used leather by any chance?

[asta77.livejournal.com]

Good point.

And I'm guessing it was leather. Did they have synthetic fabrics in the SW universe?

[gonzo21.livejournal.com]

I don't think so. I'm pretty certain the Jedi Order went in for itchy-scratchy natural fabrics, to distract them from their lusty thoughts about other Jedi novices.

And I'm sorry, but the *only* reading of Phantom Menace that makes *any* sense of that film at all, is if Obi Wan and Qui Gonn are lovers.

Ah, the Forbidden LOve of master and pupil.

Of course, this is also the only thing that makes sense of the later Obi Wan/Anakin thing.

[beccatoria.livejournal.com]

I'm going to go out on a limb and point out that Artoo's constantly exposing his stiff, cylindrical appendage and sticking it into "ports" belonging to other machines.

I'm not sure that proves he's gay but it sure as hell proves he's a slut...

*joins you in the special hell*

[gonzo21.livejournal.com]

I wonder how many times Luke had to jam his lightsabre inside R2s Dome before the little pervert held onto it for him.

[gonzo21.livejournal.com]

He was certainly the character nobody ever wanted to pretend to be.

I wonder if he had spoken English.

Anyways, yes, fandom. Strange. It makes me think about Trek fandom, and their weird reactions whenever a character has ever been killed off.

And now i'm thinking about the death th reats Joss received when he killed Tara, and thus KILLED ALL LESBIANISM EVER!

[madenglishbloke.livejournal.com]

theyre killing off mara??
not that i have any remaining interest in the EU - i gave up about 3 books in to the yuuzhan vong war...

[beccatoria.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Jacen Solo kills her. He's going all sithly. In what is actually a surprisingly well-executed turn of character development *curses what the fall of Anakin Skywalker should have been*.

But yeah. Mara fell prey to her husband's character shields... She was doomed from the start! Sometimes I consider losing interest in Star Wars. Then I stop kidding myself. It has its claws deeply embedded in my soul.

You're not missing much with the rest of the Vong War. It's interesting for the change of direction from Bantam I guess, and there are some high points and some truly WTF moments. Here - I'll save you reading it and summarise:

Luke and Mara have a kid. They kill Anakin Solo. There's an incredible book called Traitor all about Jacen Solo getting tortured and growing up. They keep trying and failing to convince us that Jaina's interesting (even though she should be dammit!) There's this tripped out planet with a hyperdrive attached to it. Then they sort of win but decide to let the Vong live on the tripped out hyperdrive planet. The end.

Yeah. I think if I were reccing I'd recc the comics...

[spiralsheep.livejournal.com]

I posted an uncut spoiler on my lj once. I realised immediately but, because of my flakey dial-up, it tooks me minutes to add a cut and I think I accidentally spoiled one of my flist. :-( She refrained from having a go at me though and I apologised for the possibility before she even had a chance to raise the subject.

It's a good thing that the forum bannings are automatic in a way because the people who would have accepted your apologies will still do so and the people who wouldn't accept your apologies will have time to calm down.

I'm sorry your jobs is stressing you at the moment. Work tends to do that. ::hugs::

we're going to have to start doing all sorts of new shit with no fucking training and we're going to be blamed when we get it wrong

But you'll know the truth. ::strengthens your boundaries::

[beccatoria.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I understand why they banned me - and I'm genuinely grateful the mod found the material within four minutes of it being posted (though I think I'd feel even worse if the book weren't actually already available and has been for almost a week). I think I'm mostly upset for two reasons 1) it's a mistake I'm angry at myself for making and angry that I didn't get a chance to rectify immediately; I hate feeling embrassed and stupid and now I feel both. Which doesn't help with my hate for work, which is reason 2) (and, I'm discovering, examining my feelings more closely, work is the primary thing I'm upset about right now I've just been trying to force myself not to feel it by "self-medicating" via this forum which has just been taken away from me. Balls).

Well, that plus I feel guilty because I know at least one person will think I'm ignoring him and internet PMs are the only way we communicate. Ugh, I feel dumb.

But thanks for the message of support. To be honest, I'm a little jaded about knowing the truth helping that much because all it does is make me angry and upset instead of feeling guilty and upset and doesn't really change the insane situation that my workplace has become. But...but I know that it probably does help. And that...well, in a couple of days it won't seem so bad. I know that, it's just hard to feel that right now.

[asta77.livejournal.com]

1) it's a mistake I'm angry at myself for making and angry that I didn't get a chance to rectify immediately; I hate feeling embrassed and stupid and now I feel both.

Oh, man, I know how you feel. I went throough the exact same thing the other night. I was so confidant posting something on MY comm and a half an hour later someone provided a link that contradicted what I said. Turns out that earlier that night SciFi had updated information about a BSG event in the forum, but not the main page (where I had looked) and I felt as if I had egg on my face and was a huge failure and a total moron for not checking more thoroughly. Consdering my error was pointed out quickly, I'm not sure more than that one person had seen it. Plus, she hadn't heard the news about BSG ending after this season so I had helped her out. Still, I wasl left beating myself up for the night and vowing to not make the same mistake again.

I understand the forums policy and it probably is good in some ways, mostly avoiding kerfuffles happening on the board, but it seems unfair to have people just disappear for a period of time. If it's just a few days, people could think you had RL stuff come up and haven't had time to respond. If it's a longer period of time, people could begin wondering what the hell you did if they don't know what happened or think you are lying in a ditch somewhere. And it was a mistake, you realized it, and quickly went about rectifying it so it seems that you should get some sort of warning, not be outright banned for it.

Sorry that work is sucking for you. It seems that a lot of things will be converging for you at once. If there is anything I can do to help distract you, let me know. Sadly, there is no major BSG spoilage at the moment. :(

[beccatoria.livejournal.com]

Gah! That sounds very irritating and horrible! *is sympathetic to your plight*

I think under normal circumstances they would have just warned me. The mods there are strict but not horribly mean. It's a specific precaution they've introduced for this one book cos of how epic they feared the fallout would be and to be fair - I was well aware of their "ban instantly" policy in this instance. I think I'm partly narked because I actually went through the freakin' post looking for spoilers and still missed one, so it wasn't completely due to lack of thought, just due to lack of...skill? Either way, my ban's only for 3 days instead of the standard week because the mods knew I wasn't trying to be a jackass soooo, yeah. Not as bad as it could be. I'm trying very hard to concentrate on the positive things this evening.

I'm trying apply the positive-thinking to work too. It's...working slightly. Though that might have more to do with my lovely mother listening to me cry down the phone about it for an hour, and then my lovely boy taking me out to eat fattening food than my own mental powerzzzz. Attention from sympathetic ears followed by present-time distraction is proving to be a good tactic.

Thanks for the offer of help in that department - I really appreciate it, and honestly, just posting the message here has made me feel much better. It's always nice to have some people rally at you. I, too, am irritated by the dearth of BSG spoilers, and I've been meaning to thank you for the link re: the final season, but I think I've been mildly depressed (not clinically) over the last few days and it's really been sapping my motivation to be a good LJ-neighbour.

I...think I'm coming out of my funk though. I think losing it a bit for a couple of hours helped...clear things out of my head. A few hours ago (and for the last few days really) I just couldn't think positively about [i]anything[/i] or think of anything that was going well. Now I feel, well I feel tired, but I also feel that that's a REALLY DUMB perspective, even though I'm still upset about stuff. I guess that's how anger and upset clouds rational thought, though.

And now I'll stop rambling about the inner workings of my mind. The point is, I'm feeling better some and it's in part thanks to the kind messages of support I'm getting here. So thank you.

AND BRING ON THE BSG SPOILERS! I'm getting President Roslin withdrawal. Ooh, and last night I dreamt that I was onboard the Colonial One, which is weird, cos I NEVER have fandomish dreams. I remember I was really irritated because no one from the show was there except Lee and spent the whole time in the bathroom stall so I never saw him. Yeah...my subconscious is weird, right?

[asta77.livejournal.com]

Sometimes we look at things so closely and for so long that are eyes just get accustomed to seeing things and we can't spot what we should be editing. It's why every writer should have a beta. We all need an assist once in awhile.

I'm glad it's a short suspension and that they know you are not THAT person who wants to spoil everyone's enjoyment. I recall years ago accidentally posting a Buffy spoiler in a discussion thread for the ep that just aired and felt horrible about it. Luckily, the mod was understanding and realized it was just a slip up on my part. Unfortunately, about a year later she had sided with the nuts on the board and kicked my ass to the curb because I dared to call people on the Buffy/Sarah/poster bashing that was going on.

Glad you feel a bit better though I'm sorry it took tears to get there.

Hey, we all go through bad neighbor periods on LJ. I read LJ every day - ok, several times a day - but I don't always feel like contributing. I think we all make ourselves unnecessarily anxious over commenting. Too bad there isn't some tool to show who has been reading. Maybe it would make us feel better.

Are you caught up on 'Doctor Who'? I have some unfavorable thoughts about that I don't feel like posting about on LJ and we can always discuss that in the absence of BSG spoilage. ;)

[gonzo21.livejournal.com]

Am thinking about you at work today. Hope it's going okay.

[beccatoria.livejournal.com]

Wow, thank you, I'm touched :)

I'm at lunch now and it's going...horribly to be honest, but being in a better frame of mind, it's not really bothering me that much. I think I've temporarily reached a sort of exhausted emotional zen. I feel like...like I'm in the monkey farm and there are bananas flying everywhere except miraculously none of them are hitting me and I'm just...sat...staring oddly into space.

Which is decidedly more pleasant than I feared.

[gonzo21.livejournal.com]

Saying the words 'zen' and 'monkey' in thes ame paragraph just makes me think of the tv show Monkey.

And now I'm imagining you flying home from work on a pink cloud.

... I think I need some sort of medication.

[beccatoria.livejournal.com]

No I think I need a pink cloud to fly home from work on.

[a2zmom.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry that your job is causing you this much stress. That sucks completely.

[beccatoria.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I think it's a combination of insane management and overreacting me, but it doesn't stop me from freaking - see above. It's always slightly embarrassing after the fact *blushes*

Anyway, like I said, thanks, really - agreeing that it sounds sucky is just what I need right now!

Plus your icon is totally cheering me up. :)

[a2zmom.livejournal.com]

Aaron cheers everyone up!

[beccatoria.livejournal.com]

Hooray for Aaron!

[nightxade.livejournal.com]

I'm late to respond to this and, while I see that your feelings have improved, I will still offer a *hug*

[beccatoria.livejournal.com]

*hugs* are always appropriate! And thanks - I feel all daft and dorky and appreciated with all these comments.

[madenglishbloke.livejournal.com]

id offer a hug, but simon beat me to it, and i dont want his sloppy seconds ;)

[beccatoria.livejournal.com]

and i dont want his sloppy seconds ;)

Yeah? Well? TOUGH! *hug* :p

[i_kender]

*randomly hugs you a few days too late*

And, remember to breathe!

[beccatoria.livejournal.com]

Random hugs are the best kind :) And yeah, I'm breathing and at lunch, and yes, work is proving...hideous, but being a little calmer, I'm coping much better.

Seriously - thanks for the comment. I feel daft for making such a fuss but very appreciated. :)

[i_kender]

De nada. It's rarely as bad as you think, esp. after a day's perspective :)

Much belated virtual hug...

[hmpf.livejournal.com]

because a hug never hurts:

{{{{{beccatoria}}}}}